Seeing as I'm pretty sure that 75% of my readership is my mother, I don't think I've ever actually mentioned on the blog just what it is I do. So, for the benefit of the demographic who aren't blood-relatives of mine, I'm currently working as a Language Assistant in a primary school just outside of the big bad ciudad, Madrid. The school is brill, my colleagues are brill and the kids are brill- and they come out with some absolute corkers sometimes.
This week, after a morning doing some speaking exam practice with Year Six, one of the lil' dudes told me that he wouldn't be in school for the afternoon. When I asked why, he explained that he couldn't come back after lunch because his labrador, currently at a training camp to become a guide dog for the blind, had just started menstruating and he was thus obliged to accompany his father to collect her.
I didn't pry any further.
Although these days I'm pretty good at just saying no to things I don't want to do, this exchange got me thinking about original excuses. Don't want to go to an over-priced and potentially painful Garage night? Too hungover for brunch but don't want to admit it? Knee-deep in a Netflix binge and can't pull yourself away from the screen? Inspired by my student, here's a list of highly original excuses that I invite you to use at your leisure. Just start typing a text beginning 'Really sorry! Can't make it today because...' and then add any of the following:
1) I’m involved in a university study where I have to eat nothing but Fast-Action Dried Yeast for a week so I’m a little low energy at the mo. Maybe next week?
2) I’m auditioning for the part of a tree root in my Am Dram society next week and am trying to get into character so have to be underground for next week with a mouth full of soil at all times. Catch up soon!
3) My fourth-cousin’s friend’s ex-dental hygienist is in the area and would like a personal tour of the breaded goods section of the Sainsbury’s local in my home-counties, commuter town. It's an all-day type thing!
4) I’ve accidentally locked myself in a Zara changing room and the queues are normally so long to try anything on that it’s probably just worth waiting in here 'til A/W 17/18 so I get first dibs on the new season stuff. You know how it is.
5) I’ve just put on an industrial amount of béchamel sauce which needs constant stirring so I’ll be busy for the next 3 hours. Don't want it to be lumpy, ya know?!
6) I’m really into personalised accessories and was using a hot glue gun to stick some letters on my handbag when I accidentally sealed the zip in its entirety so currently can’t access my house keys, Oyster card or money. Soz!
7) I’m pursuing a career as a bat trainer and need to get accustomed to their nocturnal timetable. I also need to pay for three rounds of rabies vaccines as a pre-req for the job so need to save money. XOXO
8) I’m involved in a bidding war on eBay for a decorative plate commemorating the publishing of the Chilcot enquiry. Keep your fingers crossed!
9) My freezer broke so I have to eat 500g of frozen vegetable stir-fry mix, a bag of Potato Smiles and a 12 pack of Mini-Milks immediately. Apologies!
10) My dog is menstruating.