Stuff I would actually appreciate advice on other than my diet
I love being with my family at Christmas. They're great: they get unnecessarily competitive in the annual game of Cluedo, they talk loudly over all of the plot twists in whatever Agatha Christie the BBC has revived that year, they give presents like second-hand, size small, navy blue, long-sleeved leotards even though I'm a fully grown medium-sized human woman with absolutely no interest in gymnastics. It's the most wonderful time of the year, eh?
And as Christmas is a time for family plus an abundance of delicious food multiplied by time sat on the sofa for three hours watching the Eastenders omnibus, this whole equation can equal the following utterances around the table:
'OOH this food is all so naughty!'
'The diet starts in January!'
'Did you read that study on how stollen bites are actually 9000 times worse for you than cigarettes?'
'I'll have to do 3 extra Pilates classes to burn off all these Celebrations!'
'Is there refined sugar in this eggnog?'
'You know that mince pies spike your insulin in the same way as a bungee jump into the Grand Canyon?'
'Wow, so you're really having ANOTHER roast potato?'
Yep, it's time to revive the annual yuletide tradition of faux health concern disguising your family's fatphobia and food shame. Isn't it funny how almost everyone's family members juggle their day job with also being a qualified dietician, GP and fitness expert? Truly a Christmas miracle.
I'm lucky that my fam are pretty clued in on the fact that I don't like talking about weight, food or fitness. When I came home for Chrimbo last year I was really worried that the weight I'd gained would become prime topic of conversation and so politely asked my loved ones that my weight, my eating habits and diet talk in general health concern be kept off the table. So whilst I don't suspect it will come up too much for me this year, I have compiled a handy list of topics I would actually appreciate familial guidance on and would relish talking about over the latest fad diets. You might like to draft your own in case an Dad brings up his desire to tone up in the New Year or your grandma mentions you should watch what you eat. So family, friends, here are some things that you can willingly ridicule/advise/reprimand me for other than the fact that I have put on two stone this year:
- The fact that I can't drive.
- The fact I use disposable razors and get coffee in non-recyclable cups.
- The fact that my bath needs re-sealing and I don't know how to.
- The fact I can't map-read and rely too heavily on CityMapper.
- The fact that I can't bullet journal.
- The fact that I don't know what crypto currency really is.
- The fact that I never deep-condition my hair.
- The fact that I don't fully understand the rules of chess.
- The fact that sometimes I don't stretch fully after a run.
- The fact that I've never seen When Harry Met Sally, any of The Lord of the Rings films, or Fight Club (though, I don't talk about that).
- The fact that I don't have my finances in order.
- The fact that I only own one Pyrex.
- The fact that my LinkedIn profile is out of date.
- The fact that I rarely put my glasses back in a case.
- The fact that I buy too much fast fashion.
- The fact that I never write on this blog...
This is all stuff I would appreciate advice on.
My health, my weight, my dress size, my exercise regime, my business. Everything I just listed is fare game: eat it up.