What to do if your jeans feel too tight after Christmas
Absolutely bloody nothing.
Maybe buy a new pair of jeans.
Maybe start wearing something more elasticated.
But don’t, please for the love of God, don't go on some mental post Chrimbo, post Quality Street casserole, post December feasting crash diet.
With the Near Year arriving within mere hours, I legit feel like I’m preparing for Armageddon: stockpile your Cadbury's selection boxes, lock up your Malteser reindeers, gird your loins (I dunno what this means but it sounds good, eh?), for the diet ads cometh.
In fact, they’re already here. Last night whilst ripping open the wrapper on a coffee cream, a wild advert for BooTea appeared. For those of you who don’t know, BooTea is a diet food company who primarily focus on weight loss teas. Whilst in the full throes of my disordered eating, I forked out 20 quid for a 7 day tea cleanse which promised instant weight loss. As I’m sure you can imagine, they’re not anything new, they are effectively laxatives. So all the time the girls in the BooTea adverts are dancing, laughing and sitting on each others shoulders, what they really are is gasping for a poo. Still fancy it?
Now, I think the diet industry is stupid, but they’re not stupid. They know that the new year is prime picking ground for preying upon would-be dieters. Maybe your jeans do feel a bit tighter, maybe you do feel a bit sick of Celebrations, maybe you’ve spent the last 7 days around aunts and cousins who have branded every food in the cupboards as ‘naughty’ and have washed down each mouthful of Christmas pudding with a dollop of brandy cream and a promise of ‘The diet starts in January!’. So your diet immune system is down. You feel like maybe you should be doing the same. Maybe your new year’s resolution should be to lose weight too. Maybe you’d start the new year on a high by going on a juice cleanse or going Paleo or resolving to give up dairy/gluten/sugar/carbs/insert name of totally necessary part of balanced diet here*.
So if you're feeling susceptible to it all, here's a few things that you could try to do 2017 which will be altogether much healthier than any diet plan.
- Give up dieting. Obvs (have you read this blog at all?)
- Give up unhelpful Instagram accounts. When it comes to social media, you can chose what you consume. You can chose to follow clean eaters, juice cleansers, 5:2ers and fitspo models or you can follow body positivity accounts. Models of all sizes. People who cook beautiful, colourful meals without any hashtag of naughtytreats or dietstartstomorrow. I personally really enjoy @aliceandpeanutbutter, @rubytandoh and @nickichanlam- great gals obliterating food shame one snap at a time.
- Give up complementing people on their bodies. This one is really hard and one I am trying to do myself. I know that I am not great pals with anyone because of their abs or how slim their calves are- so why would I choose to focus the majority of my complements on someone's appearance? I love my friends because they are kind and good listeners and know how much I love prosecco. Whilst I don't want to give up all complements on appearance (sometimes I just must know, where your matte liquid lipstick is from or what hairspray you're using atm) but maybe for every HEY your eyeliner is great, I'll be conscious to chuck in a (much warranted) WOAH you are so funny, HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU how kind you are? or I THINK IT’S SO GREAT how often you call your Grandma.
I spose the main thing is though, this new year, eat what you want and do what you want. It's your body. Eat salad if you want to. Join the gym if moving your body makes you feel happy. But don’t waste time on shit you don’t want to do. You don’t need fixing, you don’t need shrinking. Maybe you just need a new pair of jeans.
*OBVS if you have a genuine intolerance or allergy, this doesn't apply.